How you fight matters.
All couples fight and argue, but not all know how to do it in a healthy way. When you fight with your partner, what do you tend to do and say often?
The extensive research done by Dr. John Gottman, for instance, found styles of conflict that are clear signs of deterioration of a relationship to the point of its destruction. Here are the red flags that predict divorce, from his findings.
Do you criticize?
Criticism is like a poisonous dart thrown in the heart of your partner. When you criticize, you use the force of your anger to strike your partner instead of solving the problem. This is why criticism feels like a personal attack. Here are some examples of critical statements that are usually said without a conscious wish to hurt:
“You are not a man (woman) if you…”
“You never listen to me”
“You never help around here.”
“You don’t care about me (us)”
“You are so selfish”
Do you express disgust?
The Gottmans have found that when one or both partners show contempt in the form of disgust, disrespect or being mean on purpose by name calling, mocking, being sarcastic, shaming and similar forms of communication, this is a sure way to lose any meaningful connection to your partner. It is also a # 1 predictor of divorce. Contempt is the most poisonous of all relationship killers. It destroys psychological, emotional, and even physical health. Dr. Gottman says, “contempt is sulfuric acid for love.” Here are some examples:
“You are pathetic”
“It’s like talking to a child”
“Don’t be an imbecile“
Do you become defensive easily?
Defensiveness is what you do when your partner criticizes you, it’s your natural reaction to fend off an attack. The tricky part about defensiveness is that it feels justified. When you are defensive you deny your partners accusations, justify your actions/words, and turn the table on them by accusing them instead. If your partner asked you why you were late to the agreed upon family dinner, you might say something like “Stop nagging me. I was at work for Pete’s sake, providing for that damn dinner by the way. You knew I was going to be late why didn’t you move the dinner?”
Do you withdraw?
Some people attempt to defend themselves when accused or criticized for a short while, but then they naturally withdraw. This is the response that Dr. Gottman calls stonewalling. This reaction is a sign of physiological flooding when responding verbally (especially calmly and rationally) becomes impossible due to the state of the nervous system that in the fight-or-flight mode at that point. This feels like purposeful ignoring to the other partner, which often makes them even angrier. So the fight escalates to the point when all involved feel bitter, rejected, unseen, unheard and hurt.
While conflict is inevitable, it doesn’t have to be an all out war where you and you partner walk away deeply wounded emotionally and psychologically, doubting if you’ve made the right choice of partner. I can analyze your painful conflict style with you, help you understand what is not working and why, and support you in learning effective patterns of communication so you can feel heard, seen and valued every time.
If you recognized any of these signs in your own communication with your partner, take action now, and get personalized support in unlearning these destructive patterns while learning ways to communicate effectively!