Can conflict in your relationship serve a good purpose?

The answer is yes!  If you argue with your partner a lot and it’s starting to feel like a burden, you may be tempted to start avoiding conflict to keep some peace in the relationship. But the truth is, couples who avoid conflict are not better off than those who argue. Matter of fact, conflict avoiders’ marriage dissolves faster than those who fight over issues. The secret is to know how to argue to feel heard and valued, and what not to do.

A lot of fights occur when partners have strong unspoken positions about issues. Drs. John and Julie Gottman call this a gridlock. When you tend to gridlock on an issues such as how to parent, how to handle money, how to spend vacations etc. when one or both of you just don’t understand why this subject is so difficult, you may be locked in to a conflict that has unspoken (possibly unconscious) dreams about it.

See, in our problem-solving cultural mindset, we tend to think that conflicts are about finding solutions, which is why so many struggle to find them, because conflicts in relationships are opportunities to understand your partner deeper. Instead, most people treat conflict, and most specifically their partner, as a problem to solve, completely missing their partner’s heart. When this problem solving approach persists, it leads to not feeling heard, seen, known and valued on a deeper emotional and psychological level, which is where relationships thrive or languish.

To start changing this damaging dynamic, ask your partner these questions next time you argue:

·         Can you tell me why this is important to you?

·         Does this remind you of your childhood in some way?

·         Is there a deeper reason for this?

·         What is your longing in this situation?

·         What are you feeling about this situation?

·         How will you feel if your dream here is not valued?

Learning to stop and recognize that you might be dealing with a deeper level of unspoken, unrevealed dream in your conflict will help you stop hurting and start healing through getting to know your partner deeper and closer, which is one of the most valuable things a person can have in life.

If you’d like to be supported in this process, get in touch with me today!